A Single Guy’s Thoughts on Marriage
January 6, 2010 § 22 Comments
I’m blessed to have guest blogger Jamey Stegmaeir today. He’s a great writer and has become a dear friend. When he isn’t writing beautiful short stories or working on his blog, he’s taking excellent care of his cat, Biddy. (and maybe you’ve seen pictures of his skinny jeans on twitter)
I write a daily blog over at http://jameystegmaier.com/My blog topics jump around—I focus on whatever is interesting or exciting to me that day, topics that I hope will provoke conversation without offending anyone.
Lately I’ve been blogging a lot about relationships. I recently ended a relationship that was heading towards engagement, a relationship that was immediately preceded by another relationship heading in that direction. Both women were wonderful people, but I just didn’t feel like they were the ones I could mate with for life.
I recently wrote two complementary blog entries—one on what I want in a woman (which garnered a huge number of comments) and the other about why I’m choosing to be single for a while. Harley and I discussed those entries in regards to my fears and concerns about marriage, and she mentioned the possibility of my writing about those fears on her blog. It’ll go hand in hand with a similar post from Harley herself, obviously from the perspective of a married woman with kids.
My Top 3 Fears About Getting Married
Friendships. What happens to friendships when people get married? Of course, friendships can dissipate from any romantic relationship, but with marriage it seems like more of a long-term change. Why do two people who have several circles of friends, some overlapping, some not, somehow neglect all those friendships after marriage? I view marriage itself as a very important friendship, but I don’t think I would be whole without other friends as well. I’m just scared that despite my desire for continued friendships, it simply won’t happen, because I know few adults my parents’ age who have those types of friendships.
Kids. I would love to have kids. I think that bringing life to the world is one of the greatest gifts you can give. I love the idea of raising kids and coaching them and teaching them and learning to let go, the whole package. What scares me is how kids will affect my relationship with my wife, as well as how they’ll affect the time that I need for myself. I know that you need to find a balance, but with that balance comes great sacrifice. I already devote time and attention to my cat, who requires very little time and attention. And it feels like a lot. How could I possibly handle a child?
Making the Wrong Choice. Friendships and kids are fears that I face assuming I’ll actually get married. But there is one fear that definitely holds me back from taking the next step to marriage: making the wrong choice. What if she’s not the right one? And please don’t say, “You’ll just know.” Because I felt like I knew at times with my past two girlfriends. How do you know that you’ll “just know” every day of your life for the rest of your life? How do you know that? I think the fact of the matter is that you don’t, but you have to find someone for whom you’re pretty sure the “knowing” days will outnumber the days that you have doubts.
I hope you can tell from reading this that I’m not your typical case of “commitment jitters”—I’m not the guy who’s scared of the idea that I’ll only get to sleep with one woman for the rest of my life. Honestly, that seems fantastic—what’s wrong with one sexual partner? You have so much to explore and discover within the Trust Tree.
That being said, I’m curious about your thoughts, particularly those of you who are—or have been—married. And feel free to subscribe to my blog if you’re interested in these types of topics.