Everyone Likes Jamey Roasted
May 31, 2010 § 15 Comments
I’m delighted to introduce my next victim in a series where I make fun of author photos: Jamey Stegmaier.
I’m glad to know Jamey and over the last six or seven months have come to the realization that he has this exact expression on his face all the time. Study and take note of that youth, that eagerness, that seize the moment, and WORK TOWARD THE FUTURE type of expression. Rather than explain how this particular photo was taken like Sean’s and Anne’s roast, I will give you a day in the life of Jamey Stegmaier, because any one of us could capture this photo at any point in his day.
Wake up. Greet Biddy and the new farty kitten. Note their cuteness. Melt. Play with them. Oh the ridiculous joy I feel. Tear myself away. Do sit ups. Wait, play with kittens a few more minutes. Kittens. Kittens. Go eat breakfast and pack lunch. Shower. Wish kittens weren’t afraid of water. We could be playing.
Get in the car. Drive. Notice something on the ground. IS THAT A KITTEN? Nope. Squirrel. Keep driving. Eager. Look to the future. Always. Get to work at the University. Try not to look at passing freshmen. Avert eyes downward. I love peripheral vision. No. No. Look downward.
Greet co-workers. Smiling. Always. To the future. Check email. Read blog comments and comment on comments. Check blog stats. Good numbers. Do some work on website. Tell interns to go make a music video for morale boosting. Eager. Always. Write newsletter. Work. To the future. Always.
Go to lunch. Have my way with burger and fries. Oh yes. I want to go to there. Walk back to work. Say hi to co-worker. Eager. Burger and fries are having their way with me. Go sit down. My jeans are too tight. Always. To the future.
Lull in the day. Look at pictures of cats. I wish Biddy could talk. That’d be a good blog post titled: What Would Your Pet Say About You? Write that one down. To the future. Always.
Finish work. Get in car for drive home. See something on the ground. IS THAT A KITTEN? YES! YES! THAT IS A KITTEN. Pull over. Try to play with kitten. Kitten runs away. Drat. Nope. To the future. Always. I have kittens at home.
Get home. KITTENS! Play with them. Eat dinner. Salmon. Spinach salad. Play with kitties. Happy Happy. To the future. Get ready for soccer. Drive to soccer field. Miss kittens. Stretch. See pretty girl. Try not to stare. Use peripheral vision. I love peripheral vision. Do lunges. She is looking. Do another cool stretch. Fall down. It’s cool. To the future. Always. Eager. Play soccer with friends. Sprint hard. Love sprinting. Girl is looking. Score. Fall down again. It’s cool. To the future. Always. This will be a good blog post titled: Get Back Up Again. Write that one down.
Go home. Have Biddy count my sit-ups. Write blog post. Play on twitter. Show all the girls pictures of my kittens. They swoon. Score. Debate whether or not to put photos of my skinny jeans up. Did that yesterday. Decide not to. To the future.
Yawn. Brush teeth. Floss. Smile. Dentist says I have great home care. True. Eager. Always. To the Future. Bed.
Thanks to Jamey, Biddy and unnamed farty kitten for letting me make fun of them. Jamey Stegmaier co-wrote the non-fiction book Innovate! How Great Companies Get Started in Terrible Times. His short story The Urban Parasite can be found at Reflection’s Edge. His essay Adopting me: An Adoptive Child Shares His Perspective is beautiful.
If you’re an author and have a photo for me to roast, I’d be love to. Really. Nothing would bring me greater happiness.