Everyone Likes Jamey Roasted

May 31, 2010 § 15 Comments

I’m delighted to introduce my next victim in a series where I make fun of author photos: Jamey Stegmaier.

I’m glad to know Jamey and over the last six or seven months have come to the realization that he has this exact expression on his face all the time. Study and take note of that youth, that eagerness, that seize the moment, and WORK TOWARD THE FUTURE type of expression. Rather than explain how this particular photo was taken like Sean’s and Anne’s roast, I will give you a day in the life of Jamey Stegmaier, because  any one of us could capture this photo at any point in his day.

Wake up. Greet Biddy and the new farty kitten. Note their cuteness. Melt. Play with them. Oh the ridiculous joy I feel. Tear myself away. Do sit ups. Wait, play with kittens a few more minutes. Kittens. Kittens. Go eat breakfast and pack lunch. Shower. Wish kittens weren’t afraid of water. We could be playing.

Get in the car. Drive. Notice something on the ground. IS THAT A KITTEN? Nope. Squirrel. Keep driving. Eager. Look to the future. Always. Get to work at the University. Try not to look at passing freshmen. Avert eyes downward. I love peripheral vision. No. No. Look downward.

Greet co-workers. Smiling. Always. To the future. Check email. Read blog comments and comment on comments. Check blog stats. Good numbers. Do some work on website. Tell interns to go make a music video for morale boosting. Eager. Always. Write newsletter. Work. To the future. Always.

Go to lunch. Have my way with burger and fries. Oh yes. I want to go to there. Walk back to work. Say hi to co-worker. Eager. Burger and fries are having their way with me. Go sit down. My jeans are too tight. Always. To the future.

Lull in the day. Look at pictures of cats. I wish Biddy could talk. That’d be a good blog post titled: What Would Your Pet Say About You? Write that one down. To the future. Always.

Finish work. Get in car for drive home. See something on the ground. IS THAT A KITTEN? YES! YES! THAT IS A KITTEN. Pull over. Try to play with kitten. Kitten runs away. Drat. Nope. To the future. Always. I have kittens at home.

Get home. KITTENS! Play with them. Eat dinner. Salmon. Spinach salad. Play with kitties. Happy Happy. To the future. Get ready for soccer. Drive to soccer field. Miss kittens. Stretch. See pretty girl. Try not to stare. Use peripheral vision. I love peripheral vision. Do lunges. She is looking. Do another cool stretch. Fall down. It’s cool. To the future. Always. Eager. Play soccer with friends. Sprint hard. Love sprinting. Girl is looking. Score. Fall down again. It’s cool. To the future. Always. This will be a good blog post titled: Get Back Up Again. Write that one down.

Go home. Have Biddy count my sit-ups. Write blog post. Play on twitter. Show all the girls pictures of my kittens. They swoon. Score. Debate whether or not to put photos of my skinny jeans up. Did that yesterday. Decide not to. To the future.

Yawn. Brush teeth. Floss. Smile. Dentist says I have great home care. True. Eager. Always. To the Future. Bed.


Thanks to Jamey, Biddy and unnamed farty kitten for letting me make fun of them. Jamey Stegmaier co-wrote the non-fiction book Innovate! How Great Companies Get Started in Terrible Times. His short story The Urban Parasite can be found at Reflection’s Edge. His essay Adopting me: An Adoptive Child Shares His Perspective is beautiful.

If you’re an author and have a photo for me to roast, I’d be love to. Really. Nothing would bring me greater happiness.

§ 15 Responses to Everyone Likes Jamey Roasted

  • Harley! Thanks so much. This was amazing. I love the repeated line, “To the future.”

    That photo was actually taken in a bathroom because I liked the red background. True.

  • Harley says:

    Jamey, that’s hilarious. You really took the photo in the bathroom? I’m laughing so hard right now. Oh. Should’ve, could’ve. Maybe I’ll do a second roast as the teasing wheels are turning in my head.

    • Oh yes, I went out of my way not to tell you where that photo was taken in advance. And it wasn’t like some truck stop bathroom. It was my bathroom here at work. It was freshly painted!

      • harleymay says:

        You are a wise man. The photo taken in your work bathroom involved a lot of carnie folk in my head. Oh yes, I’m writing that one down. TO THE FUTURE.

  • You’re so funny, Harley. I’d give you my pic, but I don’t think I could take it. I’d cry. I’m sensitive that way. I’m kind of crying just thinking about it. I have to go.

  • harleymay says:

    My dear Elisabeth, I could not, would not, roast your precious photo. Anne’s roast much more difficult to write and I had to make fun of myself and her husband more than I could make fun of her. You would be in the same category. You would be the beautiful girl on a pedastal with bumbling idiots around her (Believe it or not, I am also a cryer. Do not tell the others). Thank you for reading, Beth.

  • […] Read the full roast here. […]

  • Teresa H says:

    That was hilarious and awesome. I want to be an author just so you can roast the photo that appears next to my name.

  • Stetson says:

    Is it just me or did Jamey pack a lunch and then not eat it? I think you missed a few kittens in there…

    Also, if I ever become world famous, I want you to be my biographer.

  • harleymay says:

    Teresa, I’ll do anything for you (read ANYTHING).

    Stetson! You whipper snapper. You caught me in my gaping plot-holed madness (that was fun to write). I’d be happy to be your biographer. You would wear a lot of bling in my biography. Consider yourself warned.

    • Stetson says:

      That’s hilarious! My girlfriend told me I should get some bling just the other day!! Oh, I’m excited. I’m thinking I might need you to write my biography so I can become world famous!

  • Dionne says:


    Another awesome job! That was awesome!

  • Looking at that picture makes me happy.

    Now I can’t stop thinking of kittens.

  • Red says:

    I wish the timing of Post would have allowed you to incorporate some of Jamey’s Compatability Survey in there. Because… Damn! Those of us in STL think it is so ripe for the roasting! Eager. To the Future. Always.

  • […] Likes Jamey Roasted May 31, 2010 in Humor, some like it roasted | 14 comments I’m delighted to introduce my next victim in a series where I make fun of author […]

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