That Anne Girl Roast

May 21, 2010 § 7 Comments


Gather round and get comfy, kids. It’s that blog time again, time to make fun of another serious author photo. Unlike my last roast of Sean Ferrell (author of Numb, coming from Harper Perennial in August 2010), my next victim is someone I know in real life and have a special history with. Anne Riley and I went to high school together and were college roommates. Anne liked Sean’s roast so much, she asked me to make fun of her, too.

I love Anne and have found it a tad more difficult to a.) Make fun of a girl (there is nothing greater than teasing a man to the point of tears) b.) Make fun of someone I really know and c.) Make fun of someone so pretty (not that Sean Ferrell isn’t a pretty man, he is, they are just different pretties).

Anne called me before her author shoot, explained how nervous she was, and invited me to come along with her husband Riley. Is his name Riley Riley? No, but when we met for the first time, I kept calling him Riley. I also wear a blue jean jacket with the collar popped and cuffs rolled up every day to demonstrate my love for the 1980’s. I went to high school a decade too late. Tragic. 

Anne and her husband, Riley, arrived at the outdoor photo shoot and because I knew she was so nervous, I hired Andy Samberg and Tina Fey to come help. I thought since they were in the entertainment industry, they would do a better job of explaining how to get that money shot. Aren’t I good friend? I was also in charge of snacks, but forgot those.

            Anne looked beautiful, a tad nervous, and a bit star struck at the sight of Andy and Tina. “Um….Harley?” she called. “Why are Tina Fey and Andy Samberg in Alabama? And at my photo shoot?

            Tina and Andy waved.

            “Isn’t it great? I knew you were nervous and thought they might help. They owe me a favor from that one time.” I stared at the pair who immediately averted their eyes to the ground. “That’s what I thought. Keep your heads down.” I looked back at Anne. “You brought Riley? Interesting choice. Is he asleep?” (before you say, “that’s a weird question,” Riley looks like he’s asleep all the time.)  

            “No, he isn’t asleep.”

            Riley waved at me. He really looked asleep. “How’s it going, Harley?”

            “It’s good.” I turned to Anne. “He talks in his sleep?”

            “He isn’t asleep. Can we get all this started?” She walked to the photographer.

            “Yes,” I exclaimed. “Tina? Andy?” I clapped my hands. “Chop chop. This is Anne and her husband Riley. Anne promises he isn’t asleep.”

            Andy waved his hand in front of Riley’s face. “That’s so weird. Why does she say he isn’t asleep?”

            Tina poked his shoulder. “I wonder if he can feel this.”

            Riley backed away. Slowly.

            “Look, he can walk in his sleep,” I said.

            Anne began to look a little flustered. “Stop doing things to my husband. He isn’t asleep.” She positioned herself in front of the camera.

            “Right,” Tina said. “Sorry, Anne. These photo shoots are easy. Andy and I will do exercises to get into the character we want to be in the photo. If Andy wanted to look like a guy riding a bike, he’d start to act like a guy riding a bike.”

            Andy proceeded to pump his legs up and down and run in circles around the yard. “Look at me! I’m a guy riding a bike.”

            “I’m not sure I want to look like a guy riding a bike.” Anne looked at the camera while the photographer clicked away.

            “Okay.” Tina shot me a look. “Someone is a little bit of a diva.”

             Anne pretended not to hear.

           “If you don’t want to look like a guy riding a bike, we can experiment with some other expressions.”

           Andy moved next to Tina, behind the photographer. “Look at me! I’m experimenting in other expressions with Tina Fey.” They stood across from each other, perfectly still, and then began to move their hands in synchronization. Tina would tilt her head to the left and then Andy would do the same.

              Their palms barely touched each other. Andy said, “BRAVE LION.” Their faces snarled into a grimace and they growled. “SCARED LION.” Both their hands curled up under their chins and their faces scrunched into a grimace. “BRAVE LION.” Rawrs and gnashing. “SCARED LION.” Whimpers and pouty faces.

               I was pretty impressed. “It’s like their looking in a mirror, Anne. Look Riley – oh, he’s asleep.”

             “I’m not asleep,” said Riley.

            “He sure talks in his sleep a lot, Annie.”

            Anne put her hands over her face and ran her fingers down her cheeks. “He is not asleep. Guys, this is great and all, but it isn’t really helping.”

             “Oooh,” Tina said. “Someone isn’t a happy camper. Do we need to bring you over here and have a pow wow under the trust tree?”

           Anne groaned.

          “We sure do.” Andy ran to Anne’s side and hugged her. “Look at me! I’m hugging Anne, expanding the trust tree!”

             When Anne gets flustered or annoyed, she does this screechy, high-pitched, non-word noise. “Gah. CANWENO-GAH-STOP IT NOW.”

            Andy’s smile got bigger. “Come on over here, Tina. Help Anne get under the trust tree. You too, Harley. I don’t know about Riley over there. He needs to be awake for the trust tree.”

             Riley sat down on the ground and looked up at the sky. “I am awake.”

            I walked over to Andy and wrapped my arms around the two of them. “Riley sure is coordinated when he sleeps.”

          Anne turned red. “HE’S AWAKE.”

         Tina Fey joined Andy and I. She embraced Anne and squeezed.

          “It’s a hug fest!” Tina leaned her head against Anne’s hair. “You sure smell pretty.”

           Anne flailed her arms, breaking the precious trust tree and paced in front of the photographer. After a few deep breathes, she stared at the photographer. “TAKE THE PICTURE.”


            Thanks to Anne and Rob Riley for letting me make fun of them (and congrats on the love bun). Anne is represented by Alanna Ramirez of the Trident Media Group. Her first novel, The Clearing, is currently on submission to publishers.

            If you are an author and would like me to roast your photo, I’d be more than happy to. If you would like acting lessons, I am also qualified to give you those. Have I shown you photos of my Oscar? It sits on my bookshelf next to my Grammy.

As for Tina Fey and Andy Samberg, they know what they did.

§ 7 Responses to That Anne Girl Roast

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