How to be a Twitter Floozy

January 12, 2010 § 21 Comments


All aspiring floozies of the world need guidance. It’s not an easy task, and for the young ladies with ambitions to become the next Girls Next Door, way to DREAM BIG. All or nothing, baby, you go get that wrinkly old man. Building an appropriate web platform is the key to getting you there and twitter is a great tool for this. Here are a few steps to insure your Floozy success.

1.)    You’ll need an awesome avatar. If you haven’t got the goods to flaunt, find somebody else’s lady jingles. Your picture should be provocative, yet flirty. This depends on what level of nasty you’re going for. If you plan on setting up a webcam, (more on that later) I’d pick the non-shirt your father would burn if he saw you wearing it.

2.)    In your website portion (if you aren’t going the webcam route) list your myspace page. I know, everyone says facebook is the bigger deal now but you are nothing but fancy and what says class better than myspace?

3.)    In your bio line, keep it simple (don’t want to make it too complicated for the fellows). Your best bet is to say something like “I just can’t keep my clothes on.”

4.)    If you do plan on making an official website with webcam and need help with this sort of thing, I’ve always found the gentlemen who work at Best Buy extremely helpful in these types of situations. They’re more than happy to set it up for you and install your webcam, free of charge! Unless their manager Jody is there. If that’s the case head over to the mall and ask somebody at a cell phone kiosk. They don’t have much to do once they get off work.

5.)    Finally, follow men! All of them. Single, married, whatever, just follow them. If they follow you back (and why wouldn’t they) send them a fun DM. Tell them you love to flirt and offer a free month’s subscription to the webcam.

6.)    In the open twitter news feed, use as many “OMG,” “LOL,” “YAY,” and hearty emoticons imaginable. Tell people when you’re going to take a shower. Be sure to post special webcam promos around Christmas. This will insure your rise to twitter flooziness.

If you’re interested in How to be a Twitter Creep, check out something I wrote on Jamey Stegmaier’s blog.

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§ 21 Responses to How to be a Twitter Floozy

  • […] blogger Harley May made my work easy tonight with this hilarious post (you don’t need to be on Twitter to get […]

  • Really, really great posts, Harley. You had me laughing out loud. Thanks for writing these.

  • Simon L. says:

    Well, there go my plans for world domination via Twitter. I’m returning the webcam to Best Buy now.

    Hang on. Was this post only for women? That’s kind of sexist, isn’t it? Can’t guys be floozies too? (Would that be floozos?)

    Hiliarious, good lady. Worth a laugh or six. 🙂

  • sara says:

    bahahahahah Oh man. hahahhaha soo funny 🙂

  • The Chewster says:

    Me and the Boss (he’s the one typing) don’t get this Twitter thing. If I want to give a shout-out to my buds, I stand in the back yard raise up a good guttural howl. Works every time. Drives the Boss crazy. Frankly, I think he’s just jealous I don’t need all that tech stuff to wrangle up some babes.

    Sure, the canines in California can’t hear me (or the next county, for that matter), but frankly they ain’t comin’ to see me any time soon, if ever. Besides, I may have to share the lil’ four-legged hottie next door. And who the hell needs 436 friends anyway? And callin’ strangers ‘friends’ is dumb if you can’t exchange a good butt sniff. Technology’s got a long way to go as far as I’m concerned. Most people don’t know themselves well enough to deserve more than a couple of people they call friends, anyway. Gotta spend time together, to look into their eyes, windows of their souls, and dance a bit on the carpet of their heart, touching one another. That’s what the Boss says. Me, I just curl up on a sunny spot on the floor with my buds. I got your back, you got mine. Doesn’t get much better than that.

    The more I watch the Boss (I call ‘im that ‘cause he tells me when I get to eat and when I get to howl at my ‘friends’ – midnight is out, just so everyone knows) the more I realize he’s getting more like his dad, only his dad wouldn’t go up to a woman and comment on her shoes: “Are those Fendi?” That’s when I jump around from behind his leg and wink at the girl to throw her off his weirdness. (Dude, sometimes you just bark up the wrong tree.)

    But I appreciate his John Wayne style. He just wades in, helps her with her coat and smiles a lot. None of that predetermined pretentiousness (“Make sure your website portion is this and such.” All the Boss checks is if his fly is up when he leaves the house.) He doesn’t preen for the web cam. Hell, he’s got no web cam – not since I found a round thing on the floor and thought it was some new fangled ball or something. How was I to know? Didn’t smell like a web cam.

    But I guess we need to leave room for those that do the aged old ‘Me, John…You Jane’ thing a new way. Seems like a lot of trouble to go to, especially when TROUBLE is already here.

    • harleymay says:

      Chewy, it’s true that the boss has a classic sense of how to take care of the ladies. This article and the one I wrote involving twitter creeps need not apply to him. 🙂 I hope he got the gist of it and had a laugh at my expense. Thanks for chiming in. I owe you a doggie treat.

  • I have a feeling many Tweeters have already read this! And took your advice! LOL!

  • Funny post. I just don’t think I have it in me to be a floozy, though, so I’m off to follow the advice in the creep column. Thanks 🙂

    Paul

  • Don P says:

    Kinda reminded of the old jazz standard, “If they asked me/ I could write a book.” J/K, dear. 😀 Entertaining and informative, as always!

  • Rhonda says:

    So this Twitter floozy thing could totally be my back up gig if the writing thing doesn’t work out. Although…given my current shape (more round than not) maybe I could pummel people w/ half naked pictures and then they’d pay me to put my clothes on? Sigh. Perhaps I’d better head over to the “creep” post.

  • Carolina says:

    I knew I could count on you when I needed you most. You always know how to help a girl out. Thanks for the brilliant advice.

    And thanks for the laughs, doll. To good

  • Mercedes says:

    Laugh-out-loud funny. Yay! *jumps up and down* I’d write more but I’m going to take a long, hot, soapy shower.

    You crack me up, H.

  • Lorena says:

    TeeHee.

    My favorite part was the zing at Jamey: Tell people when you’re going to take a shower.

    Hot.

    And I say, “yay”. I’m not floozy!

  • You bravely took on the assignment. Your follow-up was as thorough as it was amusing. Nicely done, I enjoyed it. I suspect many took your advice and are floozying themselves up even as we type. Heaven help us all. Is Floozybot right around the corner?

    Take care,
    Jessica

  • Rachel B says:

    Haha love it! I read this post the other day, and now every time I go to take a shower I think about twittering it.

  • Angie says:

    LOL! This is priceless. *runs off to start implementing every suggestion on the list*

  • Tawna Fenske says:

    I can see I have a good start on the floozy thing, but I really need to be trying harder. Off to go buy a lace shirt now.

    Tawna

  • Patty says:

    Geesh, I’ve got work ahead of me. Took careful notes, though.

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