The Antithesis to the New Years Resolution
January 1, 2010 § 16 Comments
There are worse things than telling a 4-year-old in her favorite pink leotard and pigtails that she will not be eating birthday cake like she thought. There are worse things than looking into her pure, green eyes and apologizing. There are worse things than mixing up Summer’s Gymnastics Party date, but two weeks ago, I could think of nothing worse. (To her credit, 4yo girl did not throw a fit like she could have. There was some mention of “Worst car ride, EVER”)
These types of things don’t happen every day, but they happen more than I’d like to admit.
I don’t know what I want to change in the coming year, but I know for certain who I do not want to be. Me. Oh, I’m fine overall. I’m healthy. My children are healthy. I’m fortunate to be a stay-at-home-mom. I have a lot of friends. Real ones. I drive a Honda Odyssey!
I’m also losing my mind.
This is what I know: I cannot do it all, I fail, and I fall.
My husband found me on the floor of our bedroom after the birthday party debacle. I was sobbing. He pulled me into his arms and held me. I said nothing while I felt inadequate. Quietly, he whispered into my hair all the things he loved about me.
Maybe it’s the added stress of the holidays, but the last few months have been collectively horrible. I play the happy part of scattered wife and mom, differed through sarcasm, of course. (I cannot live without it) People see me smile, laugh, and have a good time, but underneath it all I find my careful façade crumbling.
I fear my children will see through my faults. They’re still young, but it won’t be long until their perceptive eyes shine light on my hypocrisy. They’ll see where I fail them and my selfishness. They’ll see the things I think are secret and dark. I cannot impart wisdom I don’t have.
How do I write, take care of a family, and house? There’s the problem right there, the order of the question. It should be: How do I take care of a family, house, and write? I can’t seem to quit this writing stuff. I’ve left if for far too long and now that I’ve returned to it, my mind won’t fathom turning away. I’m in the throes of a new relationship with words and it’s tumultuous trail.
What will I change in the coming year? I’m going to be more honest. I’m going to tell people “no” more. I’m going to love my husband more. I’m going to wait until he’s asleep to write. When I feel overwhelmed, I am going to stop what I’m doing and look at each of my children’s faces. I’m going to pray for them. I’m going to thank God they’re here, thank God they’re healthy and remember that I have more love than one person can possibly deserve.