Beer-filled Diapers

September 18, 2009 § 1 Comment

My husband and I aren’t really beer drinkers. We are big Alabama football fans and with the return of college football, we hosted bit of a soiree if you will (pretentious laugh). After the party we had all this beer leftover. My beautiful and talented friend, Keli, is a beer drinker and seeing that I hadn’t enjoyed her company in a while, I enticed her with all this leftover beer. My plan worked like a charm. We were to meet, eat lunch, exchange silly stories, and I would give her the beer bribe.

I should also say that whenever we are together, some kind of trouble ensues. I blame her influence entirely. There was this one time with wine (maybe), on the beach, a video camera, ABBA songs, it’s a long story, I won’t go into it here.

I’m driving to meet her and have thrown away all the appropriate beer carrying boxes so the bottles are just kind of clinking around on the passenger floor and seat. I’m aware they are glass bottles and drive carefully for this reason. There’s another car experiencing some form of delusional road rage and I’m forced to slam on my brakes. A few of the bottles break open and fizzle on the floor. Lovely. I’m paranoid that I’ll be pulled over for some odd reason and start driving like a grandmother (Which I already do). I envision the police officer pulling me over, smelling the beer, making me do a breathalizer and walk in a straight line. Me, being nervous and twitchy, will zig-zag along the line. My pastor will, of course, drive by and phone in some kind of intervention as I slur and switch my words (because I already do that anyway).

“No Occifer, I haven’t been drinking tiny one bit….Oh that smell…It’s a story funny…You’ll love it!”

Fortunately, I make it safely there. I show Keli her beer. She thinks my fear-ridden drive is hilarious. I have no paper towels or napkins but I do have diapers. After cleaning up the glass, they sop up the beer beautifully. 

I am now dubbed the beer faery in Keli’s book and am thoroughly impressed with all of Pamper’s capabilities.

§ One Response to Beer-filled Diapers

  • Penelope says:

    I know this is an old post, but I was just looking through your Motherhood posts and found it.

    Hilarious!! I especially like your nervous conversation with the Occifer and I am also impressed with Pamper’s hidden talents!

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